Monthly Archive for April, 2005

Every once in a while, life tosses you a chance to ask people some odd questions. Many of you already know this, as my victims friends. This time, it was a question of high finance:

I have to send out three checques to:

• The IRS,
• The Illinois Department of Revenue, and
• The Direct (Student) Loan Servicing Center.

I’m on my sample checque book, so I have

• Roadrunner vs. Coyote,
• Swimming Porpoises, and
• American Eagle checques

in the queue.

Which checque should go to which location?

The responses, in the order received, follow.

Our representative solophile, Ted, produces a well-reasoned prescription:

american eagle to the feds
porpoises to the bloated state revenue system
Roadrunner to the student loan people, ’cause they can’t catch you!

The ever-watchful Pedant provides a glimpse into his won absurd faculty:

I love word problems.

The IDR obviously deserves Roadrunner vs Coyote.
I’d send american eagle to the student loan people, and the porpoises to the IRS, since I like the thought of IRS agents with dolphin burns over 90% of their body.

Or not. You got me.

The inimitable Pergamon speaks briefly, but with purpose clear:

american eagle -> student loan
roadrunner v coyote -> IRS
swimming porp -> illinois IRS

The deeply wise and shallowly-expressed Mighty Matt breaks his silence on the matter:

IRS – American Eagle (nobody audits the truly patriotic!)

Direct Loan – Swimming Porpoises

Illinois Department of Revenue – wadded up non-sequential one dollar bills left in a briefcase behind the third trashcan in the Daley Plaza.

Save the Coyote/Roadrunner for framing.

And so, under this sage advice, I made my move.

The IRS shall receive the American Eagle, since to do otherwise would break with the natural order of things. After all, even when your shorts still ache from paying your taxes, these are the symbol of the government parent to the IRS. Of course, the same is true of the DLS. But I won’t be writing the word “Federal” anywhere on that checque. Plus, who can ignore Mighty Matt’s advice?

It’s hard to argue with Ted’s clear purpose or Pergamon’s implicit assent that the Illinois DOR should get the porpoise. It’s impossible to escape the fact that they are whales, and the vision of them plodding along underwater in stolid, dumb purpose is favorable to the vision of them damaging tax accountants. They are helpful creatures, however, and took me into their pod for four years. Especially after finishing David Brin’s Startide Rising so recently, I think I will send them to DLS. Plus, this is the largest checque of the batch (1 year of accumulated interest on a loan I didn’t have to pay), so the bloated nature remains.

This leaves either the Coyote or the Briefcase for the IDR. I think I’ll leave that one up to your imaginations.

Aside from the behind-the-scenes updates I mentioned earlier, the galleries have been vastly improved (and thus, reactivated).

Also, the DVD Collection has been updated with cover images and Amazon links for most of the titles.